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The xxxcel spreadsheet

Krystal Ball gives her take on the excel spreadsheet circulating social media timelines.
A woman types on her laptop. (Photo by Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty)
A woman types on her laptop.

A woman is heading out for a 10 day business trip when she gets an unexpected email message from her husband. Is it a little love note? A bon voyage? A practical request? Nope, it is in the wife’s words: “ A sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won't miss me for the 10 days I'm gone,”

Along with an Excel spreadsheet detailing every time the husband had tried to have sex with her and her excuses for saying no.


That’s right an actual spreadsheet documenting their sex life. For the record, in 7 weeks, he tried to get with her 27 times, and succeeded thrice.  The wife then did what every caring partner would do and promptly posted the spreadsheet on social media sharing site Reddit.


Yes, this story gets the elusive double wait…what?

The internet did its thing and now thousands of folks have weighed in with varying degrees of care and insightfulness. Wow. Where do I start?

Well first of all, husband what are you hoping to accomplish here? If your goal is to bed your wife more frequently, do you really think that a spreadsheet shaming is the way to go?

I mean, different strokes for different folks and all but it would really take a special lady for her engine to be revved by even the most impressive, Pivot table style spreadsheet which let’s be honest sir, this is a far cry from that sort of spreadsheet.

Boring font choice, no formatting or colors. Column C is overrunning its borders in a distressingly chaotic way. The effort is unimpressive. And speaking of effort, perhaps if you’d made the effort to speak with your wife rather than huffily keeping tabs you might have learned what your wife then readily confessed to the strangers on Reddit about why your sex life has dropped off. Here’s what she said:

“A few months ago I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. I looked horrible naked and none of my clothes fit nicely, I had a muffin top. I've been trying to eat better and go to the gym ever since.”

Now husband, your whole entitled spreadsheet response here makes me think that your wife probably had some other good reasons for rejection but did you ever actually bother to find out what was going on? Did you consider that this was not just about *your* sense that *you* deserved sex and was also about your wife and her feelings before you went on your childish tirade and sent her your mopey spreadsheet?


Well if she ever needed an excuse not to have sex with you she certainly has one now which is why, this response from another man’s spreadsheet sex documentation may be the perfect one.

Note that all is going well, right up until he makes a damned spreadsheet about their sex life.