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The Family Stone

Happy birthday, Mt. Rushmore!
The Family Stone
The Family Stone

Happy birthday, Mt. Rushmore! America's paperweight, featuring massive granite likenesses of Washington, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt and Lincoln was dedicated on October 31, 1941, 70 years ago today.

There's no conservative dream more cherished than the day when Ronald Reagan's 60 foot head will join the Fab Four, presumably cheek to cheek with Honest Abe. Though despite Grover Norquist's fervent prayers, Rushmore Reagan remains just a dream for now.

So what does it take to warrant a piece the rock? Said sculptor Gutzon Borglum:

"Hence, let us place there, carved high, as close to heaven as we can, the works of our leaders, their faces, to show posterity what manner of men they were. Then breathe a prayer that these records will endure until the wind and the rain alone shall wear them away."

So apparently "our leaders" are… white guy, white guy, white guy and…white guy. So if you're not President White Guy? Get off my mountain!

It's time to think outside the monument here. Some of my (non-Reaganesque) nominees for the fifth spot on Rushmore would be:

  • James Brown— JB would instantly become the Hardest Working Crag in Show Business
  • Cher— And not just her head, I'm talking a full body Cher in a tiny beaded gown and a feathered headdress. Let freedom ring!
  • Bugs Bunny— Just take a left turn at Albuquerque!
  • Oprah— Apparently, she's not already up there. How is that possible?

I'm barely scratching the surface here. Got any other nominees? Please share your favorites in the comments.