While there is often online demand for individual TRMS clips, tonight's fake presidential address drew a lot of requests for the transcript. So below is a rushed, possibly-not-quite-exactly-every-single-word-in-the-right-order transcript of tonight's speech that is at least close enough for reference purposes.View the video of the segment here.Good evening. I'm here to announce three major developments in the response to the BP Oil Disaster that continues, right now, to ravage the beloved Gulf Coast of the United States of America.
I wish I could tell you that the first development is that BP has capped the well, stopped the leak. They haven't. They can't. They don't know how. And no one else does either. Their best hope is a relief well, which poses its own risks and challenges, and which even in a best case scenario, affords no relief until August.All the might of this, the mightiest nation on earth, and the combined expertise of the richest, most technologically ambitious corporations the world has ever seen, cannot, it turns out, cap an oil well when it breaks five thousand feet-deep in the ocean. It is something that mankind does not yet have the technological capability to fix.And that brings us to the first development in this disaster that I am announcing tonight: Never again, will any company, anyone, be allowed to drill in a location where they are incapable of dealing with the potential consequences of that drilling. When the benefits of drilling accrue to a private company, but the risks of that drilling accrue to we the American people, whose waters and shoreline are savaged when things go wrong, I as Fake President stand on the side of the American people, and say to the industry: From this day forward, if you cannot handle the risk, you no longer will take chances with our fate, to reap your rewards.Our nation's regulatory oversight of the oil industry has been a joke in many ways, for decades -- from the revolving door of industry apparatchiks taking supposed "oversight" jobs in government, in which they just rubberstamped the desires of the industry to which they were loyal -- to energy industry lobbyists, themselves being allowed, in secret meetings, to write our nation's energy policies.In light of the state of the Gulf right now, my fellow Americans, the details of how industry has infiltrated and infected the government that was supposed to be a watchdog protecting the American public from them -- those details are enough to turn your stomach. But no detail tells you more about the corroding power of the industry against the interests of the American people than the simple fact that they have been allowed to drill in American waters, without being forced to first prove that drilling is safe.That will never happen again, as long as I am Fake President.When I announced in March, that my administration's energy policy would include expanded offshore drilling, that policy change was premised on our acceptance of the oil industry's assurances that they knew how to do such drilling safely. They were lying. It cannot be done safely -- not when no technology exists to cap a blowout on the sea floor.Offshore drilling will not be expanded in American waters, the moratorium will be held firm and in place, unless and until the industry conclusively demonstrates major advances in safety. Oil industry jobs are important, and I will work with industry to mitigate the impact on American families who survive on oil company paychecks -- but in the 21st century, and in the name of the 11 workers who were killed when the Deepwater Horizon rig blew out, we will not play Russian Roulette with workers' lives, and we will not play Russian Roulette with irreversible, national, environmental disaster for the sake of short-term income.The second major development I'm announcing tonight, my fellow Americans, concerns another oil industry assurance that we can no longer believe. The industry, has long assured us that they were capable of handling spilled oil. In BP's own disaster response plan for the Gulf of Mexico, they claimed they were perfectly capable of containing, and cleaning-up, up to 250,000 barrels of oil a day. That no significant amount of an oil spill of even that size would get to shore, foul beaches, kill wildlife, or destroy wetlands. They were lying.And the industry is lying when it says it takes seriously its responsibilities to contain and clean-up disasters they cause. The same low-tech, inffective equipment and techniques are being used to respond to this oil disaster today, as were used in the 1960s and '70s to respond to spills back then. That's because the industry hasn't invested in any new containment and cleanup technology in all of these decades. Because they haven't cared too much about it, as an issue.And it shows. It shows both in the inept technology that we have to deploy, to contain and clean-up a spill like this, and in the lackadaisical, uncoordinated, unprofessional way this inept technology has been deployed by BP.Beaches have been fouled and wetlands destroyed and wildlife killed that should have been saved. Pensacola Bay in Florida, if properly boomed, should never have been breached by oil. Perdido Pass at Orange Beach, Alabama, should never have been breached by oil. Queen Bess Island, the pelican nesting ground in Barataria Bay in Louisiana, Barataria Bay itself, none of these areas should have been breached by oil -- even given the sad state of existing technology to stop it -- but the fact that those areas were breached is BP's human error.And tonight, as Fake President, I'm announcing a new federal command specifically for containment and cleanup of oil that has already entered the Gulf of Mexico, with a priority on protecting shoreline that can still be saved; shoreline that is vulnerable to oil that has not yet been hit. I have asked the Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, to assist me in the diplomatic side of this -- in soliciting, greenlighting and expediting all international offers of help from experts in booming and skimming from all over the world. We will bring in the best experts and the best equipment from anywhere on Earth, to dramatically increase our efforts to get the oil out of the water, and off of the coast.Oil industry workers are often trained in booming and skimming. I am hereby directing BP to fund booming-and-skimming crash academies for all available oil industry personnel, anywhere in the world, to radically overhaul what has been a haphazard, half-hearted, totally unacceptable protection effort. Starting immediately. No expense will be spared and no excuses will be brooked. Even if the oil leak is capped today, the oil in the water will continue to surge toward shore for weeks if not months. As Fake President, I will personally issue a public update on cleanup and containment efforts every single day until this disaster is under control.And finally, the third development I have to announce to you tonight in the response to this oil disaster is about how we got here, and how that will change. Every president in the modern era has complained that America must get off oil. Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, George H. W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush -- and now I, Fake President Obama -- have all intoned, solemnly, that we must get off oil.Now that we have, at the hands of the oil industry, experienced the worst environmental disaster in American history, the time for talk is over. The world is different now. Our country is different now. The scales have fallen from our eyes. People say we're not ready? They're right. We're not ready. We also weren't ready to fight in World War 2 before Pearl Harbor, but events forced that upon us, and events have forced this fight upon us now. I no longer say that we must get off oil like every president before me has said too. I no longer say that we must get off oil. We will get off oil and here's how: The United States Senate will pass an energy bill. This year. The Senate version of the bill will not expand offshore drilling. The earlier targets in that bill for energy efficiency and for renewable energy-sources will be doubled or tripled.If Senators use the filibuster to stop the bill, we will pass it by reconciliation, which still ensures a majority vote. If there are elements of the bill that cannot procedurally be passed by reconciliation, if those elements can be instituted by executive order, I will institute them by executive order.The political cowardice that has kept politicians from doing right by this country, finally, on energy, and standing up to the oil industry -- that cowardice has been drowned; drowned in oil on Queen Bess Island. There is a new reality in this country that has been forced on us by this disaster.As Fake President, I pledge to you that the land and sea and livelihood and lives of the American people will be put first. As we do everything that is humanly possible to stop this disaster. We will never again let the oil industry put America at this kind of risk. We will save what can still be saved that is directly at risk from the oil in the Gulf. And we will free ourselves, as a nation, once and for all, from the grip of this industry that's lied to us as much as it has exploited us, as much as it has befouled us with its toxic effluent.The oil age, America, is over. If you are with me, let your Senator know it.I'll next speak to you about the BP oil disaster tomorrow, with my first public update on the cleanup effort in the Gulf.God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.Oh, and also -- I've decided I'm not a White Sox fan anymore. I'm a Red Sox fan. And I'm closing Guantanamo. KTHXBAI