Hermain Cain’s three-page rule

Updated
 
Hermain Cain giving a speech in D.C. on Saturday.
Hermain Cain giving a speech in D.C. on Saturday.
Hyungwon Kang/Reuters

Apparently, life to Herman Cain hinges on the ability to avoid reading any piece of legislation longer than three-pages. At the Family Leader Presidential Lecture Series in Pella, Iowa, the Republican hopeful began his hypothetical presidency by imposing a strict three-page limit on all legislation.

“Engage the people. Don’t try to pass a 2,700 page bill — and even they didn’t read it! You and I didn’t have time to read it. We’re too busy trying to live — send our kids to school. That’s why I am only going to allow small bills — three pages. You’ll have time to read that one over the dinner table,” Cain said during a speech on Monday.

In an experiment conducted by The Last Word staff, we found the Godfather’s Pizza menu, the company to which Cain was previously chairman and CEO, is a concise and life-saving three pages (with pictures) when printed off the Internet. However the staff concluded, upon further investigation, the menu for sides or desserts printed alongside the pizza menu would eclipse three pages, making this document invalid, according to Cain’s new proposal.  

The horror does not end with restaurant chain menus. Unfortunately, many seminal pieces of legislation passed by this country have been ratified at over three pages. The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009, The Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010 as well as the United States Constitution are all over three pages, and by Cain’s standards a threat to life due to their egregious length. Fortunately for America, the Declaration of Independence is a meager one page, keeping our freedom intact and the British at bay. So while Mr. Cain may have his heart in the right place, as no one wants to read pages of jargon when they could read the CliffNotes instead, perhaps length and thorough attention is best, at least in the case of governing our country.

— By Peter Carril

Hermain Cain's three-page rule

Updated