The Republican candidate that is great news for Democrats

Updated
Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli gestures during a press conference in Richmond on May 10, 2011.
Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli gestures during a press conference in Richmond on May 10, 2011.
File photo by Steve Helber/AP

Last week, Virginia attorney general and presumptive Republican gubernatorial nominee Ken Cuccinelli filed an appeal to keep Virginia’s sodomy laws on the books. Yes, the same sodomy laws that were ruled unconstitutional 10 years ago by that bastion of progressive social change—the Supreme Court.

Not to get too graphic here but I just want to make sure you understand, the Republican nominee for governor in Virginia, a rapidly changing moderate state, has just come out against oral sex and anal sex. Not just the gay kind, the married, consenting adult variety as well.

Cuccinelli’s nickname is “The Cooch.”

In case you aren’t familiar with “The Cooch,” allow me to give you a brief rundown of some of his greatest hits. He wrote a recently published book that railed against menaces to society like government recreation centers. Democrats liked the book so much that they, the “Democratic”  governors association, actually gave out free copies of it and held public readings of excerpts from it.

As Attorney General, The Cooch took on such important issues as banning public universities from including sexual orientation in their non-discrimination policies. Launching what the Washington Post called an “anti-climate science crusade” against a U.V.A. professor, and covering the bare breast of Virtus, the goddess of bravery and military strength who has been included on Virginia’s seal without controversy since, oh about 1776.

That’s 1776, even before the internet.

The Cooch is like Todd Akin on abortion except less apologetic, Rick Santorum on gay marriage except less likable, and Wayne LaPierre on guns except… no actually he’s exactly like Wayne LaPierre. Republican business leaders in Virginia are already freaking out about the impact his retrograde policies could have on the state’s business climate.

You know though, as I’m thinking this through, this all just seems a little too neat. A little too perfect. In a year when Republicans are desperately trying to rebrand themselves as a party with ideas and values from at least the late 20th century. In a year when the Virginia gubernatorial is basically the only race in the country worth watching. This guy? The man with the suggestive nickname who wants government out of your health care and into your bedroom becomes the face of the Republican party? He almost had me. What was it that W said? (“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you’re not gonna fool me again.”)

Nope. I’m not falling for it. The Cooch has got to be a Democratic plant.

George Soros must have put him up to this. A brilliant scheme to hand the Virginia governor’s mansion back to the Dems, send terrified business people into the arms of the Democratic party and utterly annihilate what’s left of the Republican brand. Machiavellian to be sure but quite clever. They could have gotten away with it too if not for this business about telling married people what to do in their sex life. That was a bridge too far. No actual candidate would support that.

Next thing you know, you’ll have us believe that a GOP Congressman would insult all the Latinos in the country by calling them wetbacks. Or that the GOP would compare gay people to pedophiles and practitioners of bestiality. They wouldn’t really do that. Would they?

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The Republican candidate that is great news for Democrats

Updated