I’ve been told that when SNL lampoons you, you’ve finally made it. Or, maybe that’s just what helps me sleep at night.
But the other possibility is that you are simply so ripe for mockery, and your mere existence is so absurd, that SNL cannot ignore you any longer. Undecided voters, I’m talking to you.
Take a good, hard look in the mirror, because this is your wake up call. You are officially out of excuses. The debates are all wrapped up and with two weeks left, it’s time to make up your minds.
Come on already. We’ve gotten to know these guys pretty well. I mean, I know the candidates better than I know my own neighbors (but that’s because I hate them).
If you still don’t know who President Obama is, look around you. Some will say he’s like Jesus: he is everywhere and in everything. He is in your higher milk prices and your out-of-work cousin. He’s in your second mortgage and your uncle who keeps telling you to buy gold. And, he’s on The View every morning.
As for Mitt Romney, he’s also been pretty easy to find. From California to New Hampshire, you can find him at any one of his 400 homes. You can find him at a Fox News table 17 times a day. You can often find him on both sides of an issue. And sometimes, you’ll find he is the only candidate to show up at a debate.
So I don’t buy this “undecided” nonsense. A 2011 study found that most women believed 180 seconds was long enough to decide whether a potential suitor was Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong.
And men make snap decisions all the time…like when they decide to buy a Mustang at 55, or to grow a mustache.
Colin Powell actually made a study of good decision making, insisting that you should need no less than 40% of available information to make a tough decision, and no more than 70%. Someone should have told that to Hamlet.
So I’m calling your bluff, “undecideds,” you, the most contemptible voting group out there. You’re either procrastinating, lazy, or lying. Pick a side and make up your minds. Consider this your written invitation.