No doubt about it: Pat Robertson’s still got it. On yesterday’s 700 club, a viewer asked for guidance on how to forgive her husband, who had cheated on her. Right Wing Watch reports that the reverend offered her this advice (with our annotations):
“Stop talking about the cheating! (1) He cheated on you, well, he’s a man. (2) So what you do is begin to focus on why you married him in the first place, on what he does good. (3) Does he provide a home for you to live in, does he provide food for you to eat, does he provide clothes for you to wear, is he nice to the children, do you have a happy family, does he take your kids to sporting events, does he go out and watch their Little League games, does he share with you stuff that’s going on (4)…is he handsome? (5) Start focusing on those things and essentially fall in love with him all over again. (6)
“I recommend you reach out and touch him, touch his face—touch his face—hold his hand, look into his eyes, talk to him, (7) you’re praying oh God, teach me to not hate him when he was with that stripper in that hotel room 10 years ago (8) and I’ll never forgive him kind of thing please –so what are you focusing on? You’re focusing on the thing that makes you mad. (9) Stop that. (10) Start focusing on the good stuff. He must have something good or you wouldn’t have married him. (11)
“So give him honor instead of worrying about it. (12) But recognize also, like it or not, males have a tendency to wander a little bit (13) and what you want to do is make a home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander. (14) Think of the temptations that are out there, the internet is FILLED with pornography,(15) the magazines are filled with salacious pictures of women (16) Anywhere you turn around there’s some solicitation to the senses to entice a man. (17)
“What you have to do is say, ‘My husband was captured and I want to get him free.(18 )But reach out and think of the good stuff. Begin to thank God that you have a marriage that is together (19) and that you live in America (20) and good things are happening.” (21)
Annotations after the jump.
1. Blah, blah, cheated on me, blah, blah. Got it, thanks.
2. It’s right there in the owner’s manual, page 371, “Men, inevitable cheating habits of”
3. …besides cheating on you
4. If you’re nodding yes, than your husband has obviously accrued generous cheating time interest from your joint goodwill savings account.
5. Oh he’s handsome? Then disregard the whole food, clothes, and Little League bit.
6. Only without the trust part this time. See owner’s manual, page 371
7. After securing him to a chair with duct tape.
8. One stripper in one hotel room 10 years ago? Come on, who hasn’t done that?
9. And it’s angry women that got us into this mess in the first place.
10. The discipline starts right now, missy!
11. Remember, your judgment is on trial here, not his.
12. Get those expectations nice and low and poof! let the healing begin!
13. Page 371 ibid.
14. His cheating = a referendum on your homemaking skills
15. What are men supposed to do? NOT click on it? Porn is like a cicada invasion of the mind.
16. Analysts estimate that the Charlize Theron Dior ads induced 55,637 husbands to cheat last year alone.
17. It’s almost like corporations deliberately use sexual images just to SELL things.
18. Note: Before embarking on this rescue mission, it’s important that both of you agree on the definitions of “captured” and “free.”
19. Think of it as getting by with a lower happiness minimum wage, instead of the artificially inflated one you’re getting now.
20. Home to such heroic marriage role models as David Vitter Mark Sanford and John Ensign.
21. There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…