Today In Hyperbole: Zombie Edition

Updated
 
Today In Hyperbole: Zombie Edition
Today In Hyperbole: Zombie Edition

An article about a rift in the Georgia Republican Party that appeared in the Athens alt-weekly Flagpole, prompted this thoughtful, temperate letter to the editor. To wit:

Enjoyed the Republican Party article by Matthew Pulver (May 29). Inspired me to think. (Editor’s note: But not too hard, apparently.)

The Republican Party of Georgia is unique in that it represents many different factions of Georgia politics. There are the lifelong Republicans whose parents, grandparents and great-grandparents were Republicans, and then there are those deserters from the Democratic Party who saw the future when Lyndon Johnson became president.  

Progressive Democrats have evolved who believe the sooner we become all of one color, throw out the morals and the Constitution and ask the government to provide us with everything, the better off our country will be. How has it worked for Egypt? 

But first they have a real big challenge: how to destroy peoples’ common sense. Thus, the Georgia Republican Party,  people with common sense, know that when more horses are riding in the wagon than pulling the wagon, the wagon stops moving. It is not that the horses do not want to pull the loaded wagon, but they can’t any more. 

The last thing that we as Americans want to see happen is the ethnic cleansing and religious civil war that is going on around the world.   Don’t laugh, I say, just look at what people are doing with arming themselves today. Our government continues to hand out money. What will those recipients do when it stops?  Only the meat eaters will survive.  

The Civil War that Matthew mentioned was not fought over slavery, but self-determination. It is too bad that the South lost, because we will fight that war again. When the zombies get hungry, they will leave the projects and look for whatever they can find to eat. They will not know how to provide for themselves and will destroy what they cannot consume.

I hold out hope that this was meant to be a wide-ranging satire of several strains of conservative ideology–if so, my hat is off. If not, then this letter should be studied, word for stupefying word, by future historians attempting to explain what went so terribly wrong in the early 2010s. Assuming, of course, those historians aren’t first devoured tartare by ravenous Zombie-crats.

P.S., that whole Democrats are zombies meme? Bob Hope got there first.

Today In Hyperbole: Zombie Edition

Updated