Today in Hyperbole: Over the rainbow

Today in Hyperbole: Over the rainbow
Today in Hyperbole: Over the rainbow

Attention worldwide LGBT community: The religious right wants its rainbow symbol back. Now. And Dr. Ken Hutcherson, pastor and former linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys, is volunteering for the job. To wit (with our own annotations):

“Don’t we understand that if our symbols can be hijacked, so too can everything else we hold dear?1 The rainbow is only one example of many where the church has passively sat by and allowed others to redraw lines on the playing field.2 Linguistic redistricting is a pet peeve of mine, so don’t even get me started about terms like “tolerance,” “justice” and “love.”3 Those fish will be fried at a later date. But for now, I have a simple proposition: Let’s take the rainbow back.4

“Yes, let’s take back the rainbow for God.5 Let the homosexual community find a different religious symbol to commandeer. If they were feeling congenial, perhaps the Muslims would let them borrow their crescent moon.6 In these desperate economic times, maybe the Wiccans would rent the pentagram to them.7 I don’t really care. What I want is for the Christian community to wake up, wipe the sleep from their eyes, and realize that they are in a spiritual battle that isn’t going away and has no demilitarized zones.8 The rainbow is a symbol, but its meaning points to the very character of God.9 So Christians …use this God-given symbol for His glory.10 Using it won’t make you a homosexual.11 It won’t make you a New Ager.12 It won’t make leprechauns real.13 But it might allow you to get into conversations with people who need to meet the very One Who gave us His promise in the first place.14

1 This is a stickup– hand over all your red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet and no one will get hurt.
2 Dr. Hutchison WAS a linebacker. He played football, a sport with no homoerotic overtones whatsoever.
3 People that say “don’t get me started,” are never not started.
4 FYI: “the rainbow” is stashed in a gay vault in San Francisco and requires an Ocean’s 11 style team heist to get it back.
5 Because without the rainbow the Christian faith has no symbols or iconography to represent itself. None.
6 …and if they’re feeling extra congenial, their table saw.
7 Wiccans don’t rent out the pentagram. It’s strictly a cash and carry operation.
8 It says right there in the field manual: seeing a few rainbow bumper stickers in the windows of a couple of bars on the other side of town constitutes a militarized zone.
9 i.e. God is not beige.
10 All you LGBT Christians that are nodding right now, stop it. He doesn’t mean you. Even if that’s exactly what you’ve been doing.
11 Years of laboratory testing on heterosexual rats have confirmed this
12 Ditto
13 Rainbows don’t make gay leprechauns real either (always after me Lucky Charms…)
14 Conversations like, what, exactly? “You’re right. Your use of the rainbow is so much more meaningful than ours. Can you help us pick out a new symbol that’s less inclusive and more drenched with shame-y?”

Today in Hyperbole: Over the rainbow