Today in Hyperbole: Attack of the Lovable Fuzzies

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Today in Hyperbole: Attack of the Lovable Fuzzies
Today in Hyperbole: Attack of the Lovable Fuzzies

If one were assembling some sort of ranting anti-gay fantasy league team, I’d recommend drafting Washington Times columnist Jeffrey Kuhner in the first round. He’s that good. Here’s Mr. Kuhner going the Full Wack-A-Doo on The Janet Mefferd Show last week (with our annotations):

“You wouldn’t believe the vulgarity, the coarseness, the permissiveness, the promiscuity at the heart of the homosexual lifestyle.1 And so if you actually saw it with your own eyes,2 and you actually saw the physical damage3, and the psychological damage4 and the emotional damage5 that comes from living this lifestyle over many years, if the American people would see that with their own eyes6 I think they would have a very, very different conclusion and very different take7. So what we’re getting is, it’s a form of cultural Marxism8. You’re getting propaganda9. And if you notice, it’s “Will and Grace” on television10, I can’t go see a romantic comedy now11 without, there’s always the lovable12, fuzzy13 gay person who just wants to be accepted for who he is14, he’s completely harmless15. So they’re giving us very much a false picture16.”

1 You’re right. I don’t.
2 Because no one’s ever seen a gay person in real life before—it’s like spotting a Yeti.
3 Note: he may be flashing back to the last Transformers movie.
4 Final score: Psycho 8, Logical 0 …
5 Studies show that gay people routinely engage in the number one cause of emotional distress—relationships.
6 High Tech Gay Goggles Bamboozle American People, film at 11…
7 Don’t you get it, straight America? Your increasingly humane worldview is a LIE!
8 See also, “A Night at the Opera,” “A Day at the Races,” et. al.
9 Apparently we’re being propagandized even though our eyes are closed. That IS insidious…
10 FYI—”Will & Grace” hasn’t been on network TV for six years. He must be watching the entire box set on DVD.
11 Gay supporting characters are just ruining Katherine Heigl movies for him. Release the hounds!
12 …whoa, easy with the adjectives there, cowboy…
13 By fuzzy does he mean adorable or are we talking back hair here?
14 The nerve! I want to hate them, but their lovable fuzziness won’t let me! Back in your shame pit, Sean Hayes!
15 Lovable? Fuzzy? Harmless? Your reign of tyranny is OVER!
16 This man needs a hug. If only there were a loveable, fuzzy, gay sidekick around somewhere…

Today in Hyperbole: Attack of the Lovable Fuzzies

Updated