The endless hand-wringing over President Obama’s birth certificate inspired its share of well deserved satire, ridicule, and more satire. Likewise, the emergence of Senator Ted Cruz’s Canadian birth certificate has proved to be too juicy a comedy target to pass up, so all hail columnist Jim Schutze of the Dallas Observer for this demonstration of birther ju-jitsu. To wit:
Hey. What kind of country prints its birth certificates in green ink, anyway? We can tell you what kind – a hippie country. In fact, Canada is a hippie country where children are forced to attend madrassa-like anti-colonial hippie schools that brainwash them into fanatical vegetarianist anti-American belief systems before the age of 4, which was how old Cruz was when his Castroite father moved him to Houston and installed him there as a Canadian terror baby.
Canadian terror? Absolutely. Don’t be naive. Canadian terror is insidious precisely because it is so difficult to spot at first. They don’t go for the big showy stuff that you can see on the news. With the Canadians, it’s all very sneaky and subtle.
Example: Next time you hear Cruz speak, listen very closely to his pronunciation of final syllables ending in o-r, as in the words, labor, harbor or ardor. Hear something a little bit funny going on there? Well, sure you do, and you know why? It’s because he’s pronouncing them the way he was brainwashed into pronouncing them in his Canadian anti-colonialist veggie-drassa preschool as a child: labour, harbour, ardour. With a silent u.
Remember: wars were fought over that “u.” Schutze then cites highbrow academic tomes with titles like “The Impact of Anti-American Sentiment on Canadian English,” “Studies in Canadian Literature / Études en littérature canadienne.” and “Morley Callaghan and the New Colonialism: The Supreme Individual in Traditionless Society,” to “prove” that Canada is a hotbed of sneaky foreigners seething with anti-American rage shamelessly flaunting their own bizarre customs.
….next time you have a spare minute to spend defending the nation of your birth, you might want to take a peek at the menu at “La Canada Pre-School.” It includes what the Canadians call “mini-meals” (wouldn’t want those kids to grow up too big and strong like the Yanks) such as pasta and applesauce and cheese and crackers and applesauce. The closest the poor little things ever get to honest meat is chicken nuggets and pears. There’s not a hamburger within 100 kilometers of them. But, oh, man, they do get them some applesauce!….So in Ted Cruz we have a silent-u pronouncing applesauce-fed product of a fanatically anti-U.S.-colonialist culture whose birth certificate was printed in Canada, a country that speaks French half the time, in green ink. And he’s going to be president of the United States? …We are just getting started, Dear. Believe me. He’s not getting oot of it that easy.