Newt’s farewell address: Our challenge winners

Newt's farewell address: Our challenge winners
Newt's farewell address: Our challenge winners

The prospect of writing Newt Gingrich’s farewell to the 2012 presidential race clearly threw gasoline on your creative fires. Your hard work yielded an embarrassment of Newt-iful goodness, making it nearly impossible to choose, but here are a few submissions that stood out:

Sam Pennington: “It should start with “It’s not you…it’s me.”

Italo Tettoni: “I give up, I’ve pushed Mitt as far to the right as he will go so my job is now done…”

Eric Reynolds: “I don’t know what he should say, but it should be in Spanish, ‘the official language of the ghetto…’ “

Wendy Fontaine: ‎”America, you are not ready for President Gingrich. You can’t handle President Gingrich. And so you shall not have President Gingrich…until maybe 2016.”

Juan Soria: “Our desire to put America above all other countries was not shared by all. The vision of having millions of unwanted children colonizing the Moon, mostly in a janitorial capacity, fell short. You can buy a copy of my movie, The Moon Kids of Tomorrow, at the end of my speech. Tonight, let me leave you with this. As my friend Ronald Reagan once said, ‘What doesn’t kill us, makes us relevant.’ And since this debacle of a campaign has not seemed to destroy my reputation as an insider slacker opportunist, I will carry on the fight. Any billionaires who wish to have their ego stroked as I act as an obstructionist mouth piece can see me at the books and movie kiosk at the main exit. Thank you, goodnight, and please take a picture of yourself and that campaign staffer who is trapped in the elephant costume….”

This one seemed to capture an essential Newt-ness:

Kenn Amdahl: “My fellow Americans, and especially you future Americans reading this in a history book because you will appreciate the fundamentally staggering import of my words today, much more than the plebeian population with which Fate has confined me. Obviously, statistically, I see no clear path to me NOT winning the Republican nomination for President. In a fair fight against this dangerous and probably communistic incumbent, I would surely win. Civilization depends on me becoming President; any other course leads to planetary anarchy and death. Despair on a global scale. Therefore, for the good of humanity, part of me certainly wishes to continue. On the other hand, Callista reminds me that we have a vacation scheduled in the Seychelles, I have books to sell, and she has promised me snacks later. I’d like to point out that this has been my position from the very beginning, the only change has been the shifting media spin. One need only remember that I said, ‘If you quote me, you’re lying.’ I don’t see how I could have made it any clearer. I believe you can read into these remarks exactly what you want to read into them. Any questions?”

As does this:

Rainy Kimbrough: “*ahem* Me me me me me me me me me me. Me Me me me me me me me me me. Me me me me me me me me. Oh, and me me me me me me me me. In conclusion, me me me me me me me and above all else ME. It is, after all, all about me.”

And finally, this pearl of brevity:

Dorothy S. Farris: “Scared you, didn’t I?”

Again, many thanks to all for your collective genius!

Newt Gingrich

Newt's farewell address: Our challenge winners