In this corrupt, post-Citizens United world of multi-billion dollar influence peddling, who can we rely upon to give us unbiased predictions about our elections- the political parties, the cable news punditocracy, the pollsters?
Or Grandpa, a wise old spider monkey at the Staten Island Zoo?
“On Monday, the day before the showdown in the Granite State, The News will have Grandpa pick a banana from a bunch. Each banana will have written on it the name of a GOP candidate — and pity all who are not the chosen banana.”
Freudian subtext aside, Grandpa knows what he’s doing: last year Grandpa picked the Green Bay Packers to win the Super Bowl.
Grandpa’s prognosticating follows in the august tentacles of Paul, the octopus who had such success divining the fate of the German soccer team.
The spider monkey must also compete with evangelist Pat Robertson, who claims that God told him who the next president will be—but he’s not telling the rest of us.
Said Robertson, “I’m not supposed to talk about that so I’ll leave you in the dark—probably just as well—I think I know who it’s gonna be.”
No word yet whether Robertson was asked to choose the next president among assorted various fruits or vegetables.
As for Grandpa, we’ll have to wait until Monday to see which banana he’ll will pick to be the Republican standard bearer. In the meantime he would do well to erase any damning Facebook posts that could fall into the hands of the Koch Brothers oppo research. Can’t be too careful these days.
Here are two questions for you: Which candidate do you think Grandpa will choose and are there other important decisions that are best left to the benign judgment of the animal kingdom?