Manatee mayhem: This aggression will not stand!

Updated
 
Manatee mayhem: This aggression will not stand!
Manatee mayhem: This aggression will not stand!

Just look at him. Roaming OUR waters like he owns the place. Twelve hundred  pounds of soft, smug entitlement. Manatees. Face it, it’s us …or them.

Luckily, some tea partiers in Florida are making a stand against these freeloading punks. Reports the St. Petersburg Times:

“A Citrus County tea party group has announced that it’s fighting new restrictions on boating and other human activities in Kings Bay that have been proposed by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.”

Fumed Edna Mattos, 63, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots, “We cannot elevate nature above people, That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.”

BAM! That’s right, manatees, the gravy boat stops here. Your days of blocking homo sapiens’ God given right to drive their speedboats as fast as they want to in Florida’s waters are over. Finito!

And before any bleeding hearts start whining, oh, but manatees are endangered, here are five solid reasons to shut down this sea cow scurge, stat!  

  1. Technically manatees are illegals living off the grid. Just wait, they’ll want to vote soon. 
  2. They’re totally nude. Get a caftan, dude, that’s half a ton of wrinkly wrong right there.
  3. As for their swimming, you say slow, I say passive aggressive. They can swim 50 miles an hour…if they WANTED to. Tick tock, tick tock!!
  4. Thomas Jefferson had a speedboat, and trust me, manatees back then got the hell out of HIS way.
  5. Manatees have no natural enemies. News flash, genius, you’ve got some now!

Go ahead, patriots, vent in the comments. Here’s the chance to talk smack about those socialist reef huggers.

Manatee mayhem: This aggression will not stand!

Updated