November 30, 1998 The invitation to visit my beloved Nadia from Syrian authorities was initially received with disbelief. Now, I cannot think of anything else except getting to Syria. Even though the Syrians have warned me not to even try to bring Nadia home, I must go to her. I must see with my own eyes that she is all right. I must know that the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father years ago has not left her in a state that would prevent her from moving forward in a positive direction with her life. I must know that my beloved Nadia is happy. I am not so much concern now that she know I am her mother, or that she even speak English. I no longer feel the need to validate who I am, but instead feel obsessed with confirming her welfare. The emotional roller coaster I have been on seems to have taken on many accelerated twists and turns lately. I feel as though my attentions have been drawn in different directions regarding Nadia. Today, my only thoughts were to get to Nadia. The overwhelming sense that I must somehow make this trip as soon as possible outweighs everything else in my life right now. I have thought of many issues regarding this trip, coming to few resolutions. I ask myself, "Should I bring photo's of Nadia and I when she was a baby?" "Should I bring her stuffed bunny or her blanket?" What if I trigger memories of happy days for her, only to have to tell her that I can not take her home. If I have to tell her that she can not come with me, that I can not help her, than I believe it would serve to only reinforce the horror she must have experienced that Christmas day when her pitiful cries to hold me went unsatisfied. Perhaps it is kinder if she does not remember. How cruel would it be for me to tell her I am the person that held her and protected her. I am the person that may now only be the shadows in her dreams; the shadow that brought her joy, comfort and smiles. I can not bear the choices. I can not bear the thought of not letting my beloved child know who I am, yet, I must spare her any more pain. She has been through too much. My love for Nadia has no limits. But how do I explain who I am? What if the choice is not mine. What if she has been told that I am some horrible monster all these years, only to suddenly be told I am coming to see her. Will she have nightmares about me coming? What have they done to my innocent child! What kind of people would so disrupt and control the very innocent loves and life of a child as to create such complex dilemma?