November 14, 1998 The mysteries of Hisham and the exotic country he came from attracted me like a bug to and electric zap light. I had never traveled out of the U.S., never even had a passport, so his accent and stories of his strange culture served as a vehicle to ignite the flames of my romantic illusions. Then, reality hit. As soon as we got married, I was ordered to become a good Arab Muslim wife. while i tried, it was impossible. I was not Arab, nor Muslim. I paid a huge price for what Hisham called my "disobedience." While Hisham assured me that our differences would in no way cause problems when we married, he lied. he submitted it. Before marriage, he told me religion was not an issue. after marrige, he threw away all my Bibles, and I was ordered not to speak of Christianity. He bought me a Koran and told me he had set up training with some Muslim women. That was only the beginning. I had to learn to cook all over again. I had to learn when to speak, when not to speak. l of my clothes were thrown away and Hisham went shopping and bought me a new wardrobe....I was suppose to be pleased. I tried very hard to look grateful for the long dresses and conservative clothes that replaced my blue jeans and tennis shoes. It was very hard to change everything in my life overnight. Hisham wanted my hair dyed blond...I had no choice, so it became blond. Hisham wanted me to have no contact with any of my friends stating that he was now the center of my universe and that he would provide for all my needs including emotional needs that I had previously went to my family for. Hisham refused to allow me contact with my family for long periods of time. I was not allowed to leave the house without him. I was not allowed to get the mail, answer the telephone or have any extra curricular activities. My punishment for violating a rule was usually a beating. I was a quick learner, but still, the beatings usually occurred over an infraction he had failed to tell me about. So, every time he wanted to teach me something, whether it was how he wanted his clothes hung up or making sure no salespersons called on the telephone while he was eating his dinner, he beat me. He ordered that the toilet paper roll be placed a certain way, my mother was to remove all photos of her grandchildren from the walls of her home..except for Nadia's. He chose my OB/GYN and took off work to attended every visit. I never really knew my doctor because he was Egyptian and he and Hisham spoke Arabic during my visits to the doctor. it was most humiliating. When Nadia was only 7 weeks old I traveled outside of the U.S. for the first time. I went to Kuwait. Hisham wanted to show Nadia off to his family. I was disappointed. This place was not at all what I had expected. There were no trees, nothing green. there were not even front yards, not even for palaces. there was just dessert. I experienced a sand storm. There was nothing here. I spent my days sitting with his family. They spoke Arabic and I pretended to be interested in a conversation i did not understand. I wished that I had really, really understood what was expected of me prior to marriage. Since Hisham lied to me, I can only look back and wonder how I would have ever known that I was expected to become an Arab Muslim. So much for falling in love with my own illusions....